All hail the grumpy man, the man who sees the world through a prism of disgruntledment and bleakness. All hail the man who not only doesn't see the glass as half full but sees the fact that it's completely empty and has a bloody great crack in it.

I AM CURMUDGEON HEAR ME GRUNT!

I am an equal opportunity curmudgeon. I have issues with individuals of all colours, creeds, classes, ideologies, sporting affiliations, genders, ages, sexualities, and hat sizes. The things people do annoy me. The things people say annoy me and even the things that people don't do or say annoy me. So now to some examples:

Children who cry in supermarkets - annoying. Adults who allow children to cry in supermarkets - even more annoying. Local government stopping children playing for seemingly politically correct reasons - quite annoying. People saying "it's political correctness gone mad" much much more annoying (and yes I mean you Richard Madeley). The fact that Americans say Eye-raq and Eye-ran and A-rabs very annoying. People who constantly bring up how annoying that is (and I include myself) really very annoying indeed. That thing where they push the end titles of a show to one side of the screen in order to show a trailer on the other half just when you are trying to see who played "Man with limp" in Midsomer Murders - seriously annoying. Articles in broadsheet newspapers particularly the Sundays where the writer throws in quotes and phrases in other languages without translation - you know what I mean "James Smiths new novel contains many examples of what Schiller called Pferd Unterseite Hatsheln" Oh thats so f******g annoying (pardon my French). The fact that Guy Ritchie is still allowed to make movies - seriously thats very annoying you slags. Anyone younger than you are. Anyone older than you are. Anyone who 's the same age as you but who is doing better with their life than you are. And finally Russell Brand - he's not big, he's not clever, he's not funny and he's very very very

ANNOYING!