Curmudgeon68 pull out review of 2007

I know everyone has already done one of these but I honestly couldn't think of anything at this precise moment which irritated me enough to comment on. Well apart from my next door neighbour bringing home various loud harpies and having horrible, creaky middle aged sex with them within my earshot. That and the fact that some fuckwit gave money to make the St Trinians film.

So here are my highlights and low lights of the year:

The Good:

John Smeaton. The Glasgow baggage handler and one of the nicest people ever to punch a burning fanatic.

I have a plan for him. The people of this country seem to have failed to understand the nature of Monarchy they seem to think it's a matter of choice "oh we don't like Prince Charles we want William instead cause he's lovely". Apart from the fact that if this happened in 20 years time they'd all be calling William a cunt it isn't how monarchy works. So here's what we do we remove the Windsors and bring about the reign of King Smeato the I. His banner would be the Lion Rampant atop a burning Jeep. His first proclamation would be a free pint behind the bar for everyone in the country including children and alcoholics, his motto would be "Get it down you". He'd be great because unlike our current dribbling buffoons who occupy Buckingham Palace he'd be hands on travelling the world and punching other heads of state who annoy us - "Take that president Mugabe" he says as he twats him in the face. So bring on the reign hell even the benign despotism of Smeato I.

The Scorcerers Apprentice. "Your face is like an arse with teeth" "your voice is like a duck being strangled in a wind tunnel" "I nominate Becky cause she reminds me of a pile of otter vomit" Sound familiar its the language of reality TV the spittle flecked ravings of the deranged, the half witted and the deluded. Well you wouldn't have found any of that on The Scorcerers Apprentice a childrens reality show with a touch of Harry Potter as a gaggle of kids compteted to come under the wing of a professional conjurer. Now normally I detest precocious TV children. I generally want to stamp on their cherubic faces until all there look-at-me-ness comes running out of their ears, but somehow the good nature and cameraderie shown by these kids managed to warm my slightly atrophied cockles. Oh sure the wrong kid won and the prize went to a child who may well be the spawn of satan but it was still a thousand times more gripping and full of human drama than any number of Shite Factors or the search for the next anodyne bum-squeak to head one of Lord Lloyd-Webbers pension plan shows. When someone was voted off there was genuine emotion and upset from the other little wand wavers and as the judging was done by the teachers and the Scorcerer himself (think a cross between the child catcher and Mr Chips) it was clear the tears were real not just there to get votes from the gullible public. I hope there is a second series because it deserves one if only to show Cowell and Co how it should be done. I also hope I won't be able to see it as I'll have some full time employment by then that and the fact that watching childrens TV at my age is slightly creepy.

Fun With Kestrels. I was walking home a few months ago and spied a kestrel attacking a pigeon everyone on the street stopped to watch it pin the poor flying rat down which distracted the kestrel who stopped to bathe in the glory for so long the pigeon escaped. For a small moment I felt like David Attenborough without the wave of warm feeling which normally comes his way.

The Bad:

Jeremy and Richard. Both Jeremy Kyle and Richard Madelely have yet to die from a painful disease which forces them to shit their own kidneys out so thats a negative but there are more:

Bush. Still in the White House but come next January 20th he will be gone and perhaps God will prove his/her/it's existence before this year is out and Dick Cheney will spontaneously combust (I can but dream).

Mr B and Mr C. The woeful sectacle of the Brown Governments implosion into sleaze and evermore desperate policy decisions led to the far worse and more terrifying fact of people saying "oh that Mr Cameron's a nice young man perhaps he'll make a good PM. Brown may be mired in well the brown stuff but lets not forget that Cameron and his gang are just Lord Snooty and his chums only not as well drawn. BTW the housing minister Yvette Cooper is married to Ed Balls so if you want to protest this government there is nothing stopping you marching with a placard saying Yvette Cooper Kisses Balls (it may not however accurately reflect the state of their marriage).

TOTP XMAS. The producer of the Top of the Pops 2 Christmas special allowed A) Steve Wright to talk over Noddy Holder yelling it's Christmas at the end of Here it is Merry Christmas etc. I've got a great idea lets show a clip of Martin Luther Kings I have a dream speech "I have a dream that all gods children, white men and black men Jews and gentiles protestant and catholic........(Announcer) "He has a dream eh...I had a dream last night about a pony that played the flute..how crazy is that. B) He played the castrated version of Fairytale of New York a whole week after radio one had agreed to play the proper version. So heres my lyrical change in tribute - "You scumbag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot.....If I ever see you I'm going to shoot you in the kneecaps with an armalite rifle.

Norbitt. I have not seen this Eddie Murphy film but have been reliably informed that the experience is more painful than standing on your head shoving a funnel up your arse and pouring tabasco down it.

Rats. Not specific to this year but just for the record I've spent 39 years hating the furry buck toothed Weills disease spreading bastards and I havent changed my opinion. However I might feel more positive to them if a pack got into Simon Cowells house and chewed his face off. Or Madeley or Jeremy Kyle or Richard Littlejohn or....well lets face it the list could go on forever.

Anyway thats a few things from last year (sort of) and heres looking forward for more bile inducing people and event from 2008.