A Poo Story

I work in an office Quite a new office, very clean and relatively well designed ergonomically speaking. The thing is I hate working here. Not as you may imagine due to the mind numbing tedium (although it doesn't help) or the people many of whom would barely make good fertiliser let alone decent human beings. No my main problem is the toilets. Again, very clean, armies of small East European girls are hired to make them sparkle enough for you to eat your dinner off them (that's you not me you pervert). But the thing is I'm not really one for pooing in the precence of other people it doesn't matter that there is a cubicle wall between me I am, to quote Elliot Read from Scrubs, a nervous pooer.

I never use public toilets which is partly the nerves partly the fact that they are usually in a terrible state and partly, lets face it, the possiblility of being approached for sex by a large hairy man, (I'm very well brought up so I might just agree out of politeness). I can just about go in a pub toilet but only if enough alcohol has passed my system, actually if I have enough I could probably go in the middle of Hampden park in the middle of a cup final. But I find it really difficult to go in the , aforementioned, very clean toilets of the office. Much of the reason is my general nervousness but mainly it's because I work with these people every day and so I don't want to do anything embarassing, no extraneous noises, no smells that cause anyone to wretch. Now where as I am reserved to the point where I may do myself an injury others who use the facilities seem to regard it as some form of competition. Some of the rules seem to be about volume of product, some is related to volume and pitch achieved from the acoustics of the bowl, and of course some is related to smell.

Meanwhile I sit there unable to move (myself or my bowels) but desperate to leave and so I hold it in (As a result I now have buttocks of steel) until I get home where I have the luxury soft tissues and soft poo-producing music, I find Steely Dan works particularly well. Anyway sorry if I've disgusted anyone but I really really really really needed to get that out of my system.