In The Name Of All That's Holy

I love a nutter.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than reading a comment on teletext or on an internet posting from someone who makes a shit-house rat seem like the Dalai Lama and there are no better nutters in my opinon than the fundamentalist christians , their absolute certainty of their own rightness is a pleasure to behold.

Now don't get me wrong I wouldn't like to spend any time in their company. For a start they all seem to have a funny smell about them, a sort of mixture of rich tea biscuits and mintos that permeates through their sweat glands and they do sweat a lot, probably because they wear so many clothes to cover their nakedness from the lord. Then there's the speaking in tounges, I can't even speak remedial French let alone cope with people chanelling the spirit of god (at least not first thing in the morning). The main thing that puts me off, though is the praying, its just not good for the knees. If they are not kneeling then they are jumping out of their seats filled with the love of the lord. Fine aerobic excercise it might be but it's a bugger on the joints.

I do love watching them though, because they are not bound by the conventions of us sane folk, we tie ourselves in knots trying not to offend people but they, well , they make it their goal. The moral vaccum they percieve as modern society means they can't stop themselves. Homosexuality, permissivness, multiculturalism, TV, magazines, newspapers, the way women dress, the way men dress, children, animals, Spongebob Squarepants everything is a sign of the downfall of man. I love the fact they don't try and sell their religious beliefs on the basis of what blessings will come if we join them but rather on the firey pit of hell which awaits if we don't. I was watching a programme the other night about them and one of the group said "if you don't repent you will barbecue in hell" I thought what a great image; down in hell the devil turning the burgers with his "kiss the cook" apron on. A few cold (ok not so cold) ones being downed, and of course the devil has all the best tunes it would be like 1950s beach party film with demons. "Beach Blanket Beelzebub".

Looking at the various groups who are going to hell according to the fundies lets look at who might be at this barbie. Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Dorothy Parker, Gandhi, Hemingway, Voltaire the list goes on and on. Now in heaven, not barbecuing but probably surviving on a diet created by Gillian McKeith are, Malcolm Muggeridge, Tennysson, Mother Theresa, Mary Whitehouse and Michaelangelo (no wait he liked bum fun so he'll be down in hell putting relish on his buns). Well I know which group I'd rather be part of so as they say in the film Fried Green Tomatos at the Whistle Stop Cafe* The secrets in the sauce.

*This was based on a book about lesbianism which is not shown in the film so they could market it more easily in the states.