Mobile Twonks

I like a good walk and Edinburgh is one of the world's great walking cities. Obviously being a mudge I find plenty of reasons to grumble whilst out and about. Which brings me to the above mentioned Twonks.

Twonks: An irritating individual - example - the person in front of you in the supermarket who pays with small change when you are in a hurry.

On the street there are a plethora of Twonks. Obviously all students and to save time lets include schoolkids as well are twonks. They gather in groups in the middle of the pavement shouting (not talking) at (not to) each other. They smoke and gesticulate so the very real danger exists of being burnt in the face or, depending how young the schoolkids are, your nether regions. Also they never get out of your way. I'm 6ft 2 and fairly large if I saw me coming I'd make some space but no they just stand there gums-a-flapping until I give a mudgly "excuse me" and they grudgingly move.

Then there are the "Salesmen". They are usually short men, very very shiny and appear to have some sort of symbiotic relationship with their mobile phones. However it's not any of that which bugs me, it's the walk, not just the cocky strut but the fact that, possibly because the mobile phone unbalances them, they push their free arm out at an angle (approximately 37%) thereby preventing me from getting past them. I tend to walk at a reasonable pace so being blocked is most frustrating, As I try in vain to circumvent them the little voice inside my head is screaming PUT YOUR FREAKING ARM DOWN YOU SHINY SHINY MIDGET TWONK!!! however what I actually do is make an harumphing sound behind them.

Of course there is a multiplicity of twonk-kind out there but it would take too long to describe them all so I'll end with the one category which leaves me less than fully gruntled more than any other; dawdlers. Those people who walk down the street at a snails pace clearly with their minds on other things "did I leave the gas on? Do I have gas? I wonder who first called it gas? If it's pronounced gas why is gaseous pronounced gay-see-us?" Now I admit I often go for a wander inside my mind but the difference is I can do and still be in MOTION!!

I am beset by twonks on a daily basis but I have a plan. I will go to a joke shop and buy one of those plastic cavemen clubs - the ones that squeak when you hit someone then I will buy a costume and go round the town smiting twonks " you sir or madam are a Twonk" I will say in a loud and clear voice "squeak" will go my club of justice. I may even call myself the Twonkinator. On second thoughts I think I'll just do some quiet seething instead.