Panto Rant

As I may have stated in my last blog I love Christmas I love almost all of it from the cheesy films, to the decorations and the songs, from the carols to the very worst Christmas single but one thing about Christmas I cannot stand are pantos. I hate them with a passion I normally reserve for dictators and pederasts.

Ah say you "don't go to see any then", but it's not that easy my friend as at this time of year they are on the periphery of my consciousness. They are advertised on posters and on the side of buses, they are mentioned in local papers and local news broadcasts they are mentioned in post modern articles written by smart arse journalists in the Sunday broadsheets they are everywhere even on the internet. I can't get away from them!!

One of the arguments made in their favour is that they are a childs introduction to the world of theatre. Of course you can obviously see the comparisons we all remember the famous scene in Hamlet with his father's Ghost

Horatio: There my liege do you not see his figure upon the parapet

As Hamlet turns to see the Ghost darts behind him so he is hidden from view

Hamlet: I see no Ghost

Horatio: But Lord he is behind you

Hamlet: Oh no he isn't

(Audience) OH YES HE IS!

This continues on for 10 more minutes and much hilarity ensues.

Having said that recently there has been a rash of classical actors appearing in panto - well ok maybe not a rash in fact just Sir Ian McKellen and Simon Callow but it'll probably start a trend can you image this happening years ago? Sir Alec Guiness appearing at the Glasgow Pavillion for instance.

Sir Alec: So what exactly is the part

Agent: Well its the part of the Genie Bobby Ban Kablooie in Aladdin with the Krankies

Sir Alec: Mmm and what exactly is this word here?

Agent: It's Fandabbydosie it's their catchphrase

Sir Alec: I see....well fuck that for a game of soldiers I'm off home to be reclusive and mistreat my wife.

Many years ago I came up with a plan to bomb all the regional theatres at Christmas thereby ridding us not just of pantos but also of a huge slice of the panto community there would be no more Lionel Blair no more Christopher Biggins and no more Su Pollard. The Chuckle Brothers would probably survive by donating organs to each other - to me to you - Of course all this was before those wacky fundementalists spoilt the whole bombing fantasy as fun scenario.

If bombing them is out then I might just go at them one by one it should be easy enough they never seem to believe anyone is behind them in this case it will too late until the feel the pain of cold steel. (I may have taken that too far)

One of the great ironies of Panto is that the same people who write to the Daily Mail bemoaning the effect of television on young children are the ones who drag their kids and grandkids along to a show featuring a middle aged dressed crossdresser who gets most of his laughs from innuendo and smut.

There probably is no solution I will just have to move to somewhere where pantos don't happen. Perhaps Kabul...No wait whats this Christopher Biggins and Wolf from Gladiator have been spotted in the Helmland province...Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhh!!!!