Tuesday, February 27, 2007

My Homicidal Trio
I would describe myself as grumpy even cantankerous but very few things drive me to thoughts of physical violence but there are three things which bring me to consider murder as a solution (there may be more but I could only think of three off the top of my head), they are in no particular order:


Cyclists who ride on the pavement. Not only do they inconvenience me but they also have the audacity to get irked with people who don't get out of their way. I particularly despise they ones who wear the full cycling attire and yet still choose to avoid the road. "oh look at me I'm Eddie Mercs but I'm too pansy assed to ride in traffic". My desire is to wait until a bus comes along and then shove the lycra wearing spawns of Satan under it's wheels.

Next on my spree of violence are sneering supercilious shopstaff (did you like the illiteration there?) Many a time I've gone into a shop and - if you remember a few blogs back - I will admit I'm not the smartest dresser in the world however I continuously get looks from these surly, usually young, often anorexic cock-knockers that suggest I have brought disease and pestilence upon their shiny establishments. I've thought of many methods of removing these grease spots from the planet, guns, samurai sword, making them wear Kappa but I think my favourite is poisoned hair gel slowly seeping toxins into their brain (and as they haven't got much to begin with the process should be swift).

Finally the tantalisers. A few years ago I was on holiday in Barcelona and having read my book I was in need of some English language reading material, so I popped along to the the Ramblas and bought myself a copy of the Guardian and the only other thing I could find - Heat. In the copy of Heat I came across one of those little boxes that say things like "which superstar has recently had a picture of Richard Nixon tatooed on their butt" but I looked through the rest of the magazine, could I find out who? Could I buggery. There are lots of these things out there even in the broadsheets and it drives me crazy. It's not however nearly as irritating as when someone in a press interview or on TV starts an anecdote and says "well there was this one actor I worked with who would only go on set if two Thai ladyboys were in his trailer straight after each shot to tickle his genitalia with ostrich feathers" Of course everyone in the "industry" would know immediately who this was where as us poor muggles would be left in the dark desperately going through the interviewees IMDB listing to look up their co-stars.

These people should firstly be tortured to death in order to spill their secrets (although disappointingly the featherboy would probably turn out to be Mickey Rourke) and then their body disposed of in a vat of acid. I would like to point out that I generally advocate torturing (though not necessarily to death) all media types. Actually I have whilst sitting in pubs during the TV festival managed to catch a couple of little titbits which I shall share with you using the actual names. Ronnie Corbett, lovely guy Ronnie Barker apparently a bit of a cock. George Peppard loved it when a plan came together especially if it involved a couple of rent boys and some cocaine and Moira Stewart once challenged David Dimbley to a knife fight after they'd been out on an all night bender (wait...that last one might have been a dream).


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Panic on the Streets
I've come to the conclusion over the last few days that Britain as a nation loves to live in fear. Two incidents recently have prompted this musing. Firstly has been the killer Turkeys of East Anglia. Lets get the facts straight. One shed on one farm (admitedly a huge farm) has been infected with a strain of bird flu which has not mutated into a variant which could effect humans. The birds have been culled and even non infected birds have been transported and killed as well. Time for PANIC!!. Time for all the news organisations to send seasoned reporters to stand in Turkey shit in the freezing cold and state in earnest tones that "we don't really know anything". Then of course despite the best efforts of scientists and DEFRA there are the people texting and emailing the programmes. "is it safe to eat chicken?" "should I keep my racing pigeons indoors" I was out at the weekend feeding some ducks, should I get vaccinated". My own plan is to stand in the street eating chicken like Henry VIII throwing the bones over my shoulder at passers and shouting "Bird Flu - What bird flu?".
The second part of the double bill of fear was the car I spotted on my way to the supermarket. I'm used to seeing cars around with advertising for shops, restaurants and websites but this is the first time I'd ever seen a car advertising vigalanteism. Written all over the vehicle were the words www.paedophilewatch.com I've not looked at the site myself as I don't want to encourage them especially as at the bottom of the doors was written "your children are not your own". Now don't get me wrong I'm as anti paedophiles as the next man ( unless the next man is a paedophile obviously) but I've never belived that the pitchfork and petrol bomb weilding mob is the best way to deal with them. Better policing especially of the internet, treatment and enough prison places to actually be able to incarcerate them always seemed the better solution to me.
However we love the fear, every day in the press we are given a new selection of things to be frightened of. Disease, surgery gone wrong, 0 sized model, obesity etc.. We lap it up "What there's a condition that can cause your knees to go inside out if you eat too much celery? "How frightening..... and yet how thrilling - every time I have a Bloody Mary I'm taking my life - or at least my knees - in my hands".
So its time for another of my calls to arms. Lets rise up against the hyperbolic phoney terror of the media and the mob the next time someone at your work or in the pub says "don't you think they should castrate and then flay all paedophiles/burglars/muggers?" reply "No. For I am a rationalist (and then show them your rationalist tattoo to prove it). The next time someone starts worrying about the latest health scare deliberately sneeze in their face whilst stroking a chicken (no choking just stroking).
Anyway thats my first rant using the new improved blogger and frankly I don't see any major difference and certainly no great benefits but time will tell.