Friday, November 24, 2006

The Good Samaritan
As you know this blog is mostly concerned with providing me the opportunity to expectorate bile over the things I hate, but for once I am going to write something positve. My TV broke about a week ago (no that's not the positive bit) I was unable to replace it until today so off I trapsed to the charity shop and picked up a cheap replacement. I had, however, misjudged the weight of the TV and after struggling along for about 200 yards I managed to pull some muscles in my side. At this point a kind chap came along and helped me get the TV down to my place. His name was Adrian and although I know he is unlikely to every read this I'd like to put a shout out to him. It's nice to know that there are a few good Samaritans out there still.
Thank you for your patience normal service will know be resumed.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Panto Rant
As I may have stated in my last blog I love Christmas I love almost all of it from the cheesy films, to the decorations and the songs, from the carols to the very worst Christmas single but one thing about Christmas I cannot stand are pantos. I hate them with a passion I normally reserve for dictators and pederasts.
Ah say you "don't go to see any then", but it's not that easy my friend as at this time of year they are on the periphery of my consciousness. They are advertised on posters and on the side of buses, they are mentioned in local papers and local news broadcasts they are mentioned in post modern articles written by smart arse journalists in the Sunday broadsheets they are everywhere even on the internet. I can't get away from them!!
One of the arguments made in their favour is that they are a childs introduction to the world of theatre. Of course you can obviously see the comparisons we all remember the famous scene in Hamlet with his father's Ghost
Horatio: There my liege do you not see his figure upon the parapet
As Hamlet turns to see the Ghost darts behind him so he is hidden from view
Hamlet: I see no Ghost
Horatio: But Lord he is behind you
Hamlet: Oh no he isn't
(Audience) OH YES HE IS!
This continues on for 10 more minutes and much hilarity ensues.
Having said that recently there has been a rash of classical actors appearing in panto - well ok maybe not a rash in fact just Sir Ian McKellen and Simon Callow but it'll probably start a trend can you image this happening years ago? Sir Alec Guiness appearing at the Glasgow Pavillion for instance.
Sir Alec: So what exactly is the part
Agent: Well its the part of the Genie Bobby Ban Kablooie in Aladdin with the Krankies
Sir Alec: Mmm and what exactly is this word here?
Agent: It's Fandabbydosie it's their catchphrase
Sir Alec: I see....well fuck that for a game of soldiers I'm off home to be reclusive and mistreat my wife.
Many years ago I came up with a plan to bomb all the regional theatres at Christmas thereby ridding us not just of pantos but also of a huge slice of the panto community there would be no more Lionel Blair no more Christopher Biggins and no more Su Pollard. The Chuckle Brothers would probably survive by donating organs to each other - to me to you - Of course all this was before those wacky fundementalists spoilt the whole bombing fantasy as fun scenario.
If bombing them is out then I might just go at them one by one it should be easy enough they never seem to believe anyone is behind them in this case it will too late until the feel the pain of cold steel. (I may have taken that too far)
One of the great ironies of Panto is that the same people who write to the Daily Mail bemoaning the effect of television on young children are the ones who drag their kids and grandkids along to a show featuring a middle aged dressed crossdresser who gets most of his laughs from innuendo and smut.
There probably is no solution I will just have to move to somewhere where pantos don't happen. Perhaps Kabul...No wait whats this Christopher Biggins and Wolf from Gladiator have been spotted in the Helmland province...Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhh!!!!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Taglicious
It's been a few days since Martin mentioned tagging on his blog (Wild Goose) and I finally thought I'd give it a try mainly because I've got a couple of draft rants I'm having trouble finishing. So here goes:
As you may have guessed I was tagged by Martin. Now eight things about me (one of which just for fun will be a lie)
1) I was born in the Chinese year of the Monkey hence my inate cheekiness and my love for throwing my own poo at people.
2) One of my favourite things to do is to try and convince people of something ridiculous - for instance I once got someone to believe that Laurence Olivier started his career in a black faced minstrel show (When everyone knows that was John Geilguid). My current ploy is trying to convince people that Nicholas Parsons once killed a man in a bare knuckle fight.
3) My friend Andy (know to many as Andy the Bass) and I once spend a fun afternoon, or part of, going round the dodgems (bumper cars for any of our American Cousins) with the late and revered comedian Bill Hicks.
4) Despite being a cynical old mudge I love Christmas and every year on Christmas Eve I watch "Its A Wonderful Life" Scrooge (With Alistair Sim) and for the last two years Elf some might say I'm a cotton-headed ninny muggins but I don't care. I love Christmas music and when I went to New York in 2003 the week before Christmas my favourite memory is standing with my MP3 player on, watching the skaters in Rockerfeller Plaza, listening to Dean Martin singing "Silver Bells".
5) My favourite Film is The Third Man. My favourite artist is Marc Chagall. My favourite writer is Gabriel Garcia Marquez (I know I'm a big fat ponce). My favourite Music changes constantly at the Mo I've been listening to a lot of Jazz and have been getting back in to John Coletrane. My favourite sexual position is the frightened shrew (diagram available on request) and my favourite drink is a nice cup of tea.
6) I dress like a wino who's let himself go but strangely I really like nice clothes its just with being a porker with a strange body shape I tend to look like a sack of (runny) shit regardless what I wear.
7) Like most mudges I am a die hard romantic and fall in love at the drop of a hat (hence my phobia of hat shops) I used to have a habit of asking any reasonably attractive barmaid out after a few shandys because I didn't quite grasp that smiling and indeed flirting where just things barmaids do.
8) I am eight feet tall.
I am in the same position as Martin as I only have him, and Justin to pass this on to so I guess the balls in Mr Anderson's court.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Guilty Pleasure
Those of you who know me (and that's pretty much everyone who reads this blog) knows my dislike of reality TV shows so it is with a heavy heart that I admit to a guilty pleasure on this blog. There is a reality show I do watch and it's (brace yourself) I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Now before you track me down for some form of intervention let me try and justify myself - wait.... no I can't - so let me just tell you why I like it. I'm a leftie liberal kind of guy which is great I'm a member of amnesty and other organisations and if there is a protest going on I'm there pen poised to write a letter or on the street with my badly written placard.
However this does not feed the politically incorrect side of my nature that part of me that wishes we still had the Victorian style freak shows. The part of me that loves the surgical museums with their two headed babies and twelve fingered hands floating in formaldihide.
This programme is the closest televisual equivalent of these entertainments. Here you have a bunch of individuals, most of whom are stretching the word "Celebrity" to its limits, who are willing to put themselves through the torments of the damned for a chance at another fifteen minutes of fame. Not only are they faced with spiders, scorpions, rats, snakes and heights each of them is also face to face with eight other egos. If Satre was right that "Hell is other people" then surely the next level of hell is other people who have spent the last ten years in Panto in Skegness and who would swallow wallaby shit for a chance at a semi recurring role in Last of the Summer Wine. Bringing added spice to all this is the semi confessional nature of the captured conversations surely there is little more entertaining than seeing someone who had a small part in Heartbeat cry on the shoulder of an overweight ex boyband member about the price of fame. Of course an additional pleasure and one which I have resisted is the voting for who does the challenges. I have avoided it because I am very very cheap and don't wish to spend a pound a go on a phone call. Thankfully the British public are sufficiently vicious so I don't have to.
So there it is my guilty pleasure. Well that and dressing gerbils up as members of the Nazi party but lets save that for another blog.

Friday, November 03, 2006

All done for Charidee
It's a British thing, I'm sure of it, this fact that we are willing to accept third rate entertainment if only it has the stamp of charity on it. I was reminded of this when watching the Secret Policeman's Ball last week. Yes there were some good bits to it Eddie Izzard back doing what he does best instead of his excerable attempts to act and I know many don't favour them but I liked the Mighty Boosh as well. However the rest of it was poor to the point of insulting, and thats without mentioning that two rape gags at an Amnesty gig might be somewhat out of place.
However we allow it because it's for charity.
I'm sure Children in Need will have it's usual embarassment of riches perhaps Moira Stuart and John Simpson singing "Real Dead Ringer for Love" or Celebrity Chefs vs Gardeners as the Sharks and the Jets from Westside Story. This year Children in Need have a reality TV show were "celebrities" learn to cut hair and give facials (and frankly with Steve Strange as one of the celebs I'm slightly worried what facials might entail). My mind turns to the possible uncomforable juxtaposition of going from a piece on an eleven year old with cerebral palsy to seeing whether Darren Day with manage the complicated perm.
Of course next year they will have the A number one of these pathetic charidee fests Comic Relief. Britains Top Comedians will get together and produce material that they rejected for their DVDs or Christmas specials and because it's for the starving and disadvantaged we will part with out money and feel churlish to comment on the paucity of the entertainment on offer. However as usual I have come up with so solution in the form of two ideas to increase the entertainment value of Comic Relief and here they are:
Firstly lets resurect the old TV prog "The Comedians" only instead of comic dinosaurs like Bernard Manning lets have people nobody would expect in the dinner jackets - for instance Thom Yorke of Radiohead and Bono. Secondly a reality special called "Celebrity Thick Club" where Celebs like Jade Goody and Jordan (sorry Katie Price) have to pass a series of exams.
Well thats my first rant in a while and by god does it feel good like letting go of a particularly recalcitrant poo.