The Sex Life of the Hamster

I recently bumped in to a girl I used to know about ten years ago. I should clarify before I go any further that when I say girl I mean a woman in her thirties just in case anyone gets confused and thinks there is anything of the Gary Glitters about me. Anyway we stopped for a coffee and she let me know that she was getting married and also that she was with child. We chatted a little more and somewhere in the conversation she let it slip that had I asked her out all those years ago she would have said yes.

You see that's where my big problem lies with the opposite sex I never get the signals. Unless a woman is standing naked with a big neon sign saying" get it here big boy" I haven't a clue whether she likes me or not (even then I'd still be asking if she sure she wasn't confusing me with someone else). Which is why I sometimes envy the life of the Hamster. Not the wild Hamster roaming the plains hunting the elegant Zebra and the noble Wildebeest but the domesticated Hamster.

Once the owner gets bored of seeing him on the wheel for the three hundred and forty ninth time he might decide to liven things up and introduce a female. After a bit of mutual sniffing and urinating in the corners and possibly with the help of some Marvin Gaye the male will mount the female for five seconds of hot Hamster on Hamster action. The male then dismounts and after pausing for a refreshing drink from the water holder gets back on the wheel and thats it - Job done. No complications. No does/doesn't she like me and no questions of whether she'll call me or should I call her.

Although there is the possiblity shared by both the lonely human and Hamster male either way the danger lies we could both get sucked up by the hoover.

Chibbing at Dawn

I was on a bus the other day...wait that's not the end of my story. So there I was on this bus when this little malodourous gimp turned to one of the other passengers and said. "what the fuck you starin at?" Of course there then followed a few moments of witty banter back and forth between the two of them with everyone else on the bus staring intently at their shoes so as not to become involved. Eventually the instigator got off the bus after first challenging the other guy to get off and "have a go". It was after this incident that I had a brainwave (which is like a mexican wave but with less chance of dropping your hotdog). Why don't we bring back duelling.

Instead of these spontanious acts of agression we could make it more organised. Your Ned would wake up the next morning and when he went looking for his fags he'd find a small card with the date and time he had to meet on the field of honour. I think we'd stick to the old traditional swords or pistols as the weapons as stanley knifes don't have the necessary style. Of course the option would always be open for a polite apology to the challenger and both could leave with honour intact. A trend could be started the glove industry could be given a boost by the amount of people buying them to strike someone across the face (do they do Burberry gloves?)

For those of you who think it would never work, for those of you who think you cannot bring back the manners of the eighteen century to the twenty first I say why not many of the people who start fights on buses have the same hygiene standards as the eighteenth century.

Technobumpkin

I admit with technology I am useless which is why I am sending this plea out to everyone who blogs on this site. I want comments. I love comments they make me feel loved (well that and masturbation) but apparently the only way for people to make comments on this site is to open their own blog. Is there a way that comments can be posted without this. I await a reply.

Speed Ranting

I haven't blogged for a few days and I'm internet cafe so first of all let me say FUCK!!! As I'm no longer typing from work I can swear and it's such a relief. Secondly let me just rush through a few of the things which have irritated me in the last few days.

Loud people in internet cafe who make me lose my train of....monkeys. People at cash machines who seem to have lost the ability to press buttons. The National Library of Scotland who, if I order three volumes of something, will always make sure to bring back at least one wrong one. Finally people who honk their car horns either to attract the attention of friends or in anger. Apart from being illegal it really puts me off my stroke there I was the other day with a very itchy bum and trying to figure out is there was somewhere I could give it good scratch without making it obvious to everyone in the street when Beep!! some dillweed honks his horn and now I cant remember where I had planned to go (I have remembered now. It was behind a tombstone in St Cuthberts Churchyard - the dead don't tell tales.)

Rosie Lee

North Korea is planning to test a nuclear weapon. America's envoy to UN talks on the region says "North Korea can have a future or it can have nuclear weapons but it can't have both". International terrorism has spread due to the Iraq war. Global warming appears to be an inevitable fact despite the best efforts of people who own sandals not to mention all the other meshugass going on in the world.

Well thank god scientists have discovered that a cup of tea can reduce stress. Now all we have to do is load up some planes and bomb North Korea, Afganistan, Iraq and of course the USA with Typhoo and we'll all be able to sleep safely in our beds. I would suggest doing the same to China and India but they already have a plethora of tea. Logically they should be the calmest people on the planet but I guess with populations over a billion there's just not enough tea to go round.

Remember: Milk in first.

Womble with a gun

Now I live in filth and squalor partly because my accomodation is small and I have no room for things and partly because of my almost pathological lazyness. However when I'm out and about on the street I will shove any detrious in my pocket including food wrappers and walk around with them until I see a bin in which to deposit them. Which is why everytime I see someone throw their rubbish away on the street it drives me mad. The thing that drives me absolutely John Rambo mental (in a First Blood kind of a way - not the later films) is when I see a parent walking along holding the hand of a child (better still if they're lecturing the child at the time) and chucking a wrapper into the gutter.

I feel like kidnapping their children and saying "Well if you can't teach your child basic manners then you don't deserve to have any". This of course would be ridiculous as the real reason they don't deserve to have children is that they are semi evolved simians who spend their evening throwing shit at each other and trying to work out the purpose of their opposable thumbs.

Sometimes I wish there was a provisional wing of the Wombles. Underground overground Wombling free in balaclavas and carrying armalite rifles. Everytime they spotted some gimboid chucking litter on the ground (particularly doing it right next to a bin) they would spring into action, a small smattering of gunfire and all that would be left is the tattered remains of a hoody and a bloodstained burberry cap. They would become counter culture heroes Wellington and Tomsk would replace Che Guevara on student tee-shirts and bedroom walls. The little red book of Uncle Bulgaria would be read through a haze of smoke in bedsits and squats accross the land. Student unions would be named after Bernard Cribbins. Sorry I got a bit carried away there but come on it really is a tad annoying.