FROTH

I don't watch soaps but I would if they had better plots here for your consideration are a few plot ideas for you to look at.

Eastenders: After having his arm sliced off in a bacon slicer incident Ian's new robotic arm takes on a life of it's own dragging him round Walford on a killing spree. Meanwhile after taking a potion that makes all his hair grow back Phil is forced to realise that all his macho posturing has merely been a cover for his latent homosexuality.

Coronation Street: Derdrie rides naked down the street on the back of pig, smothered in swarfega and swigging from a litre bottle of supermarket Rum, also Tyrone has forgotten the goat for the black mass.

Emmerdale: The werewolves have surrounded the Woolpack. Inside the villagers huddle together (some are actually having sex but with the barbours on it's difficult to tell who) fear and pig manure hang heavy in the air. Eric goes mad and bursts out of the pub shouting "eat me eat me" however the Werewolves have gone realising that it would be easier to eat the currently unguarded farm animals instead.

Hollyoaks: One of the blonde cast has developed a wrinkle (don't ask which one they are all interchangeable) the rest beat them to death chanting "Youth is power Youth is power!!)

Neighbours: Toady, Lou and Harold must retrieve the amulet before their new found powers fade. Harold, using his laser vision cuts through the door of Malevalo's lair and Toady uses his knock out whistle to stun the guards but little do they know it a trap - (queue music) Neighbours everybody needs good neighbours....etc

Home and Away: Fights are breaking out between the female members of Summer Bay over the attentions of Mr Warrington the eligible 18th Century batchelor who has fallen through a wormhole in time. Mr Warrington cares nothing of this he has been learning to body board and play the Digeree Do things which, should he ever get back to Little Smuggly on the Wold, he believes will entrance the young ladies.

Doctors: Having realised that they are on in the afternoon and no-one actually watches they now do the show in the nude apart from the last five minutes when people are tuning in to watch Murder She Wrote.

I apologise if I've missed out any soaps but what with all the DIY, property, gardening, cookery, gameshows and general shite out there it's easy to miss things.

Anyway that was a bit of light relief come my next post mudgely service should be resumed.